Not a Monster
by NeonZangetsu
Summary: Relax, she said. We need a vacation, she said. After eons of causing chaos and devastation, maybe Indy's right. Fighting and pranking others is all well and good ya know, but...maybe it's time for a break. And hey, its her turn to choose where we go this time. Eh, how bad can it be? After all...I'm Not a Monster! Narutoxharem! Fluff, insanity, and pure CHAOS!
1. Prologue

**A/N: I return my subjects!**

 **So, I've been going over reviews, and an anonymous reviewer said something that really resonated with me. I love to write. But sometimes, I feel that this gift owns me, rather than I, owning it. Its like a beast inside me, this urge to create, but I can't control it very well, which results in a LOT of new stories. So as of last night, and continuing throughout the week, I'm purging stories that won't be continued, or works that no one enjoys anymore.**

 **Let me know which ones you feel should be continued, before its too late! Don't worry, many of the major ones will remain, but anything from 2008-2009 is likely going out the window with all the rest of the trash, never to be seen again. This may seem sudden I know, but I'm only purging the forgotten fics that no one cares for. Fear not, its not going to be immediate, but it WILL happen, I simply wanted to get this out as a forewarning.**

 **This will be of very few new stories I plan to release, god willing. If I have an idea, I plan to make it a damn good one before I just toss it out there, as I devote myself to my other works, soon to number into the hundreds, and potentially dozens as I whittle them down. I need to reassess why I want to write, for the joy of it, and I can't do that by letting you guys down with old, crappy stories I wrote in my early days.**

 **...off we go! I proudly present Not a Monster! 'Tis silly and crackish as can be! I know, 'tis short, but future chapters will be much longer, I promise!**

 **ALSO!**

 **I TEASE A LOT OF FUTURE THINGS HERE!**

 _"I am not doing this. Not not not NOT!"_

 _"You broke your promise; you have to!"_

 _"Oh, bite me..._

 _~?_

 **Prologue**

 _This._

 _THIS is precisely why I stopped betting against Indy. She! Always! Bloody! Wins! Without fail! No matter the outcome or the likelihood! Don't believe me?! Take that one time with Blue. I had to rub her feet for an entire day! Or that shtick with Dragon Ball! I had to create an entire planet! Just for her! Do you have an IDEA how long that takes?! You've got to make an entire ecosystem, keep the world juuuuust close enough to that sun so it won't freeze, but not too close or it'll boil...ARGH!_

 _This time it wasn't even a bet! Not really!_

 _I bet that she wouldn't find me in Lord of the Rings, and guess what?_

 _SHE DID._

 _How was I supposed to know she had a sixth sense?!_

 _I won't say how or when or why it happened-because that would spoil events!-but suffice it to say, things went sour once she did. And you bet there was hell to pay. In spades! See, that's the problem with having a wife who's near-omnipotent. She's about as strong as me now, and a bloody a spitfire, to boot! At least I can bribe Diny with sweets an' treats and the like, but Indy? NOPE! Not her! Once she sets her mind on something its just about impossible to tell her otherwise._

 _Take that time she got those crazy scars on her stomach and shoulders in battle. She refused to let me heal them for her. Said something about "bearing her marks with pride" or somesuch. Still, I love her for it, and as you know, love can make a man do crazy, crazy things..._

 _Funny thing, though. She's not angry at me anymore, I think. About two days now..._

 _..and come to think of it, she hasn't tried to bite me all that recently, either..._

 _...oh, wait. She's coming over here...and I know that look in her eyes..._

 _...such misfortune!_

* * *

"No."

Indy exhaled softly, folding her good arm across her bosom.

Bright eyes cut across their home, dismissing the servants with a glance. Naruto sighed and settled deeper into the couch, bracing himself for the inevitable. Indy had that steely look in her eye, the kind that he knew all too well. Better to prepare himself for the long haul than simply cut and run; that'd only result in her chasing him down and pestering him to no end. So instead of fleeing, he thrust a hand in her face, and, ever so calm, flicked his wife on the forehead.

 _Tap._

Had anyone else done this, they would've lost that arm.

As it were, his little act of temerity got him launched halfway across the castle. It was a beautiful one, really, one of many that they owned, and he found himself getting a very good look at it as he crashed through the eastern wing, momentum sending him skipping and skidding across the grounds like a flung stone.

 _'Why do I let people do that...?!'_

This particular abode existed in a realm apart from all the others, a universe relatively devoid of life beyond that which they'd already collected. It was the perfect place to unwind after their adventures...or in this case, settle a particularly nasty tantrum from his wife. A tantrum that left him missing half his face-and regenerating that is _never_ pleasant, let me tell you!-and lying stretched across the hard stones like a tawny rug. _Hmm,_ he mused, staring at the drab upholstery, _I really ought to let Cortana and GLADOS redecorate..._

"Um...are you okay?"

Raising his head from where he lay, a curtain of golden curls fell across his vision.

"Might wanna get out of here, Chica. Indy's kinda pissed." Groaning, he sat up, nudging her away. "Go hang out with Barbosa or something until she cools off."

"Wait, what do you mean she's _-meep!"_

The harsh crunch of a broken wall send the once-former-animatronic scrambling for cover.

"Ahem."

Ah.

With a supreme effort, the horned-ha!-blond picked himself up, just in time to see Chica scurry away and his head wife emerge from the hole through which she had flung him. Her bright eyes burnied intensely, homing onto him like a beacon of angry brilliance. Her deep, navy dress swirled slightly as she stepped over the rubble, bare feet padding tirelessly towards him. Naruto couldn't help himself; he croaked.

"Oi, can't we talk about-

"We've already been over this, my heart." Indy purred dangerously, tail swishing rhythmically behind her, swaying with each step. "It is _my_ turn to pick the universe." though that smile was warm as lava's glow, it still burned with determination all the same; he recognized that boundless determination glimmering in her slitted irises and saw it for what it was. "Also, you're a bloody fool if you think I'm letting you go alone after what happened last time."

"Last time? W-What? Oi, Middle Earth wasn't that bad...!"

It was the absolute _wrong_ thing to say, and he realized it too late.

Her glare spoke volumes.

"Ara," she began in a sweet, sugary voice as her hand closed around his collar, "That's funny. Fine, you said? Fine?" A yank drew him close, her fangs furiously flashing in his face. "Because, last I looked, breaking a promise is _not_ fine. Going off and getting yourself eloped, is not. Fine! Confusing our poor daughter into thinking that she has _another_ mother, that is _not_ fine! DESTROYING A CONTINENT DURING YOUR BATTLE WITH SAURON WAS NOT FINE EITHER! Not to mention-

Naruto sputtered at that, coloring madly as he shook himself out of he grasp. "Alright, alright, no need to go there! But please! Can't we just skip it, just this once?!"

"No! It. Is. My. Turn!"

"Well," he scoffed, "Then you'd better knock me around some more, because I ain't seeing sense ye-

THUMP.

His hand shot up, catching her tail when she swiped at him. "Not this time!" Resolving himself he nodded, picking his body up and, dusting off his jacket, yanked. Now it was _Indy's_ turn to yelp as she found herself all but upended by her husband's strength; hauled off her feet and into his arms. "And I said no." he repeated firmly, taking hold of her shoulders, his voice a warm breath on her face. Not this one. Nothing you say or do can make me change my mind."

At that, Indy's composure finally shattered.

Aaaaaand she gave him a look.

Ah, but not just any look!

It.

Was.

The.

Look.

The look that could melt the heart of any man, woman, or child for miles around; an expression that had once made the devil himself lay down arms and worship her. Her eyes glimmered wetly-even after all these years he still couldn't tell if she was actually sad or if it was merely an act-and her lower lip shivered slightly; indeed, her entire body seemed to fold in on itself, ready to collapse at any moment.

When she finally spoke, her voice wavered tremulously.

"But...But...you promised...

 _Urk._

"I said, NO, I ain't doin' this one." Naruto replied shaking himself free and staring her down, leaning against a wall as he steeled himself for the conflict that was almost certain to come. "You've been babbling on about this universe ever since you discovered the manga, and now you want to _go_ there? Nope." he shook his head firmly. "Nu-uh. No way in hell, babe. Pick a different one."

"No!" Look, if you'd just listen-

"Why? I know _exactly_ where you want to go." he answered. Flicking his fingers, the deity summoned forth a small screen between them, "I did a little research of my own after you pestered me that first time. Ahem." A sharp cough followed as he scrolled down, skimming off the lines of text thoughtlessly. "Oi, see? Blah, blah, Cultural Exchange Between Species Bill, monster girls...blah, blah, blah, humans living with said monsters and hybrids, bladdy, blah, blah...what's the point? Its fine as is!"

"Do you even know the characters?" she accused, jabbing a finger in his face. "Have you read the manga I gave you last year?"

To her dismay, the blond actually sweatrdopped?

"Um...those were books? Pool and I used 'em for kindling."

"Kin...dling...?"

Indy made a noise that was half croak, half yelp at the mention of her ruinated texts. Sadly, this moment of shock lasted only long enough for Naruto to withdraw all of two steps. Then she was on him, her face pressed up against his, fangs flashing brightly.

"See!" she accused, swinging at him!" You don't! You probably just read up on a wikia or something, Naruto! So _why_ can't we go there?!"

"Because its' boring!" he exclaimed aloud, closing the window with a savage swipe of his fingers and using the other hand to hold her at bay. "There's nothing to do! Let's go somewhere more exciting!"

"AAAARGH!" You're just like Goku!"

"Goku?!" Naruto guffawed, uttering a short, sharp bark of laughter." You're comparing to me to that oaf?! I'm not like him in the least!"

"Yes, you are!" she shot back, thrusting her chin up at him in blatant defiance of said statement. "Always fight, fight, fight, FIGHT! And if isn't fighting, then you're pranking! Can't you just relax for once?! Think of it as a vacation!" Now it was Indy who

His eyes hardened as he settled into a stance.

"I am not doing this. Not not not NOT!"

"You lost the bet; you _have_ to!"

"There _was_ no bet!"

Indy made a quiet, frustrated noise.

"Did you just hiss at me?!" Naruto exclaimed!

"That depends. Will it change your mind?"

"NO! There is no way I'm going to subject myself to that kind of torment just so you can have a little fun!"

"But there are people like me in this world!" she cried, grasping at straws. "Beings Diny and I can relate to!"

Naruto arched an eyebrow.

"Last I checked, there was no one like you in _any_ world, sweetheart. Or Diny for that matter."

Indy opened her mouth to refute those words, then hesitated at the last second.

Because, at that very moment _she_ chose to appear.

 _"Mine!"_

Naruto started slightly as Diny herself popped into existence between the two of them, her purple dress fluttering harshly. Bright eyes glanced from Naruto, to Indy, then back again. She frowned slightly, putting two an' two together in respectively remarkable timing. For a stifling second of silence, no one spoke, save for the quiet sound of Indy gawping.

"Are you fighting?" Diny asked, blinking.

"No, no, no we're not Diny." Naruto sighed heavily, petting her dark tresses, drawing a pleased purr from the hybrid as he did so. "Say, why don't you go see what uncle Deadpool's up to? I'm sure he'd just _love_ another game of hide-and-go-seek."

"With knives?" she asked innocently.

 _"Plenty_ of knives. Don't forget the chimichangas. "

Her eyes flashed wickedly and she vanished with a pop, vacating the space between them.

Just like that, the tension was broken.

"Handy thing, that belt." Naruto muttered. "Almost as good as Instantaneous Movement...

"Did you mean that?" Indy asked in a very small voice.

"What, the teleporting shtick? Yeah, but it gets boring after-

She smacked him, denting her husband on the cheek.

"Oh, come on?" His voice softened. "The bit about you being one of a kind? Of course I did."

Her dusky cheeks colored slightly, but only for a moment.

...I don't want to fight anymore." she said at last, kissing him

"Look, I'm not trying to be a dick, either. Its just...why this place?" He groaned, rubbing his face as she pulled away. "History and facts aside, I know next to nothing about the people and you just want to jump in...the last time we did that we kinda nuked Capcom, remember...?"

"Can we just try?" she asked, gazing up at him. "Please?"

Naruto sighed, feeling the last brick in the wall of his resistance crumble to dust and blow away on the winds. Sometimes he marveled at it all. Here was a being he'd taken from an egg, someone who'd nipped him as an infant and ingested a bit of his blood. An entity who, by all rights, should be broken beyond belief, or at the very least, insane. And yet, with only a little nudging on his part, she'd become more. So much more. Funny-it all seemed so distant ago now, when in reality, it hadn't been so long at all.

She had stood with him against Gods and beings who made the multiverse tremble. She had spat in the face of fate and beaten world-killers to death with her bare hands. Whereas Diny was mentally little more than a child, content to do as she pleased, Indy...

...Indy was different.

She had gone from being a dinousaur to a hybrid, to a girl, then a girl to a woman, then a woman to his wife. Not just his wife, but his mate, just as important to him as Saber and the rest. She was ageless and infinite, her very DNA and his own blood granted her near infinite She was his light. His life. His love. His happiness. The mother of his children. And...

...he loved her, damnit.

"Fine." he relented with a sigh.

Indy jerked back as if she'd been struck.

"Really?!"

"Yes, really. Now lets get this over with before I regret it...

 _How bad could it be?_

* * *

 _(Five Earlier, In Another Universe...)_

* * *

" _Aaaaaaaaaaaaah_ , oh dear sweet kami that feels good!"

Smith liked her baths.

Loved them, really.

They were the one time when she could actually _unwind_ after a long, stress-filled day. And what a stressful one this had been! First she'd had to introduce that lamia girl into human society-draft up a TON of paperwork for that, too!-keep the poor thing from having a heart attack, and she still had to find her a host family!

Always working, working WORKING, never a moments rest! If it wasn't one thing it was another!

"Well, they can't get me in here." she exhaled, smugly. "Just let 'em try!" The hot water felt like invisible hands pressing against the smooth curves of her naked body, soothing the long work day away. Another thought, there. This job _killed_ any pretense at a life, social, romantic, or otherwise. Ah well. At least she had her coffee. Her dark, silky hair shrouded her face like an ebon veil, covering her eyes as reclined further into the warm water.

Great clouds of steam wafted up around her, she allowed herself to exhale heavily.

The lone instance when she could tell her superiors to bugger the hell off and they actually listened was long in coming, but something she couldn't ignore all the same. Too! Much! Work! Responsibility in spades, little to no wages, host families to find for everyone...AAARGH! It gave her a migraine again just thinking about it!

She was already making peanuts as it were...

-SONUVA BITCH!"

And then _it_ happened.

She started upright as the door to her bathroom crumbled; shattering as the form of a young man staggered in. Shock paralyzed Smith. Rooted her, leaving her lying there, gawping in disbelief as he violently smacked his head against the wall as a woman half-marched, half _dragged_ him inside. Pausing, she shoved him forward, nearly sending him tumbling into the water.

"Couldn't you wait a second?!" the man groaned.

Under any other circumstance Smith might have been more inclined to protest, but given the situation and the fact that they DESTROYED her door, she mere blinked. That settled it. She'd drank too much coffee again, and now she was seeing things. Yes, that had to be it; this cheap, crappy, instant coffee was making her lose her mind.

"Ah, you wouldn't happen to be Smith-san by any chance, would you?" he asked weakly.

The woman in the tub blinked, dumbfounded.

...hai?"

"We'd like to volunteer for the government exchange program." Indy chirruped happily beside. "So, where do we sign up?"

Smith blinked again, dumbfounded.

"Erm...what?" Thankfully, reality chose that moment to reassert itself. "No, no, whoever you are, I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave...

Indy's eyes twinkled devilishly.

"I make the best coffee...

"DEAL!"

 **A/N: WHAM! BAM! THIS FIC BE FUN, SILLY AND CRACKISH AS CAN BE! Acts of randomness and sexiness? Check. Crazy references and violence? Check! Mention of Deadpool? Check! Monster girls! CHEEEEEEEEEEEECK! And There we go! Naruto and Monster Musume! I left the ending deliberately ambiguous, considering that these two can raise all sorts of hell together. You think this is crazy? Check out the rest of the Not Going Home Series!**

 **So...in the immortal words of Atlas...And here it is! The preview-portion?-of a scintilating scene for you all! Story takes a hard right here with some amusing consequences...**

 **(Preview)**

 _Miia's smiled turned shy._

 _"D-Darling...be gentle...!"_

 _Naruto twitched, offering a slightly painful smile._

 _"Kinda hard to do when you're squeezing me like-gah!"_

 _Her tail locked around his waist and forced their bodies closer, him, inside. Together, they whipped off the bed, ravaging one another like mindless animals._

 _Lamps crashed. Windows smashed. Ceilings and walls were shattered like so much glass. Harley didn't care. Naruto didn't care. They tumbled around the room in a wild tangle of arms and legs and mouths and sex, not caring what was in their way, taking advantage of any horizontal surface they could find. They explored every inch of each other that night and then some; learning every nook, cranny, and nuance of one another that'd never been knowing, kissing, grasping, kneading, thrusting, until...until...UNTIL...!_

 _Until the entire city of Tokyo heard one rapturous, climaxed word._

 _"DARLING!"_

 _Alas, this sound was overidden by the harsh crash of the bedroom door splintering to a thousand pieces._

 _Indy coughed harshly, standing in the doorframe._

 _"Ahem!"_

 _Ah, balls..._

 **...Review, Would You Kindly?**

 **R &R! =D**


	2. Lamia

**A/N: I return my subjects!**

 **For any wondering, YES I have recently watched the new anime Monster Musume soooo many times now up to the most recent episode, and I bloody loved it! It had me in shits and giggles the whole way through!**

 **Needless to say, the amount of chaos one could cause with this would be nothing short of legendary XD.**

 **And when I saw that there were so few Naruto crossovers with it and all the INSANITY that takes places throughout, well, the gears in my mind got to turning.** **As another note, this is a sort of prequel to the "Not Going Home" series as a whole, chronicling the adventures of our dimension hopping blond.**

 **Therefore, before reading this, I SERIOUSLY suggest you stop and read that, first. Now...**

 **Now, lets address some things, shall we?**

 **Also, to the one reviewer (Apocalypse) who doesn't like Indy or the idea of Naruto and I quote "doing a dinosaur" she sure as hell ain't a pure dino anymore and hasn't been for a LONG time. FURTHERMORE! To (Mr Beaver Buttington) Naruto, is NOT the god of the multiverse by any means, either. He's just a deity that likes to muck around in it. I'm REALLY bloody tired of getting flak from folks who misunderstand the point of these stories.**

 **C'mon now, this story is meant to make people smile and laugh! Not nitpick to death! Naruto is not meant to be some sort of Gary-Stu, he's here to do what he does best: have fun, and cause all sorts of chaos while doing it. Nothing more, nothing less. That some people continue to say "Naruto wouldn't do this" or "Naruto wouldn't do that" is irrelevant at this point. The Naruto in this series, along with the Not Going Home Saga as a whole, is someone who lives to enjoy life, avoid boredom at all costs, and have fun. Nothing more, nothing less.**

 **There, now that we've settled that...**

 **...this time for real! REMEMBER, this is crackish, silly, and filled with fluff. Its meant to make you smile and go "Aw!" nothing more, nothing less! Be sure and tell me what ya'll think! ALSO! VIVA LA FRIDAY! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT! Helloooooooo WEEKEND!**

 **I TEASE A LOT OF SILLY THINGS HERE!**

 _"What's the worst that could happen...?_

 _~?_

 **Lamia**

 _Huh._

 _Its actually...kinda nice to unwind for a bit._

 _The best part?_

 _Everyone thinks we've been here for YEARS, which means no nosy neighbors poking around. Just the occasional annoying punks and THEY backed off after Indy broke a few of their bones. What, you're wondering about charge? What charges? After all, one can't press charges if they find themselves mysteriously lost on another continent now, can they?_

 _Gotta love them god powers, mate!_

 _Still, a coupla days like this are good for the body and soul. No worries, no deadlines, no one to destroy-YET!-just good ol' relaxation with my wife. Followed by sex. Lots and LOTS of sex. I dare say she's become a bit of a domineering girl since I saw her last, but, hey, to each their own. Its...actually kinda nice, to just relax, for once. Usually I've burned down a city or two by now, challenged an evil overlord, perhaps destroyed a planet or two, but this...this...this is different._

 _Now, where was I?_

 _A_ _h, right, right. Normal life._

 _Just the other day, we went and bought a house. An actual house, backyard and everything. She's even talking about getting a pet. As if a Balrog and a Rancor weren't enough?! But by some miracle, she actually seems to be staying true to her word, so I figured the least I could do was humor here, if only for a little while._

 _Can you believe that?_

 _Me, buying something! LEGALLY! The concept's strange, right? Usually if I want something I just take or create it but Indy insisted on doing things the legal way this time. I, however, have made no such promises. If I damn well want to use my gifts, then I will, and there's nothing she can do to stop me!_

 _There's just one thing I don't understand._

 _Why does she keep pestering me about sharing? Its not like Saber and the others are joining us on this little escapade. They haven't. So why would..._

 _...oh dear._

 _She's giving me that look again. Still, that's not what worries me._

 _I feel like I'm being watched. I've felt this presence for the last day now, and its begun to bother me. Like some kind of invisible scythe, hanging over my head. Gone, whenever I look for it. Mocking. Taunting. I've got a bad feeling about this. Don't ask me how..._

 _...I can just feel it._

 _Meh, I suppose if it tries anything, I'll just have Indy eat 'em._

 _..._

 _..._

 _..._

 _What?_

 _It worked just fine, last time!_

* * *

"Naruto," Indy's voice rang out, "Will you _please_ stop scribbling in that thing and tell me where you want this couch?"

"Hmm?" without breaking pace, he waved to the left. "Over there, somewhere."

"You're impossible, you know that?"

A wry smile played at his lips as he continued to write.

"You love it."

"Hmm."

The horned deity-now lacking said horns for the sake of appearances-didn't need to glance up to know that his wife was smiling at him. After a long moment he scribbled down one last note and closed his diary, fingers ghosting over the worn book carefully as he locked it; thereby activating the dozens of seals that kept prying eyes from investigating. Oh, Indy had proven herself quite capable of breaking through those wards on some occasions, but he found her constant curiosity almost endearing.

Looking up from his beloved, battered journal-it was really getting full after the last adventure-he tucked it under an arm and gave her a look...

...and swallowed, thickly.

For a being who'd gone from little more than a lab created hatchling to a near-human-goddess in the span of only a few decades, Indy wore her body well.

Today she'd chosen to forgo her usual attire; in place of the dresses she always seemed to favor, the hybrid had chosen something more casual. Her silver tresses, usually kept up in a braid of some sort had finally been freed from the tyranny of her ponytail, now allowed to cascade down her back in thick grey-white waves. A pair faded blue jeans clung to her hips and a bright orange shirt emblazoned with the words "MINE!" glared out at him, teasing her midriff. Her tail swung lazily behind her, idly twitching at her bare feet, one of which balanced a large sofa.

For the life of him, he couldn't get that woman to wear shoes.

"Oh," he remarked. "That's...different."

As ever, the sight of her nearly stole his breath away.

"My eyes are up here, loverboy." she quipped, preening as she set the furniture aside to the east, "There'll be time for that later." At his silence, however, that smile became a slight, if confused frown. "Don't tell me, did you forget about today already?"

Despite himself, the blond sweat-dropped.

"Um...no! Its Monday, right?"

"No," she sighed patiently, "Today is _Thursday_. The day that we start taking part in the exchange program, remember?"

Silence reigned supreme.

"The day Smith's bringing us Miia-chan?" she pressed.

"Ah. Right. That."

A small flicker of pride sparked to life inside of him as he brushed past her, her hip brushing his. He stood and gazed at their abode, brushing a bit of imaginary dust from his shoulder.

His gaze swept over the room, more a large mansion than anything else, considering. It was missing that certain...something. They purchased it in haste, and as such, it was devoid of most furnishings beyond the basic amenities. Why Indy wanted to try living a _normal_ life in this universe was beyond him. Maybe she was fixing to settle down? Who knew. He'd be lying if he could claim to guess what she was thinking, and reading her mind was nigh but impossible, so...

"We'll have to buy furniture, soon." Indy remarked idly, sidling up to him.

"Oh? Who said anything about shopping?"

A snap of his fingers rectified that.

She shot him a withering look.

"I hate you."

"Love you, too." Naruto purred pecking her on the cheek in passing as he swept into the living room. "Hmm." blue eyes narrowed, observing the new trappings, the bright, orange walls and scarlet carpets. "Still missing something. Maybe I should just create a plasma TV?"

"That would be a grievous misuse of your powers." Indy remarked.

Blue eyes sparked with mischief.

"I'm about to grievously misuse my hand upside the back of your BEHIND!"

"Did you just threaten to _spank_ me?" She arched a slender eyebrow. That same, impervious confidence wavered slightly when her mate stood, cracking his knuckles. "Y-You can't be serious. You haven't done that in an age!"

"Aye, of course I haven't!" came the cackle as he approached, fingers wiggling. "But why wouldn't I want to spank my sexy waifu? Especially when she's been such a bad girl lately...

"No sex!"

"Bah!" he snorted, unphased. "I can survive-

She drifted closer, her mouth brushing his.

"For a month?" the words were a purr.

...damnit."

Mercifully, the doorbell chose that moment to ring before she could embarrass him further. Chirruping happily at the much-awaited distraction, the hybrid swung away from him, accidentally clobbering her husband with her tail and bowling him over in the process.

"Coming!" she sang!

Naruto twitched.

"Oh, you're not getting off that easily~!"

"Wait, what are you-

 _ **"VENGEANCE WILL BE MINE!"**_

Indy never saw him pounce until it was too late.

After that...

...well...

...suffice it to say she was pleasantly distracted.

* * *

 _(Meanwhile, Outside the Uzumaki Household...)_

* * *

Miia, however, was terrified.

Scared out of her wits, really.

Learning about the Cultural Exchange Between Species Bill was one thing, but actually _living_ with a host family was another matter altogether. Would they be kind? Gentle? Nice? Or perhaps none of these things? Deep down, She wanted to believe that Smith-san wouldn't leave her in a lurch, but even so, she couldn't calm her racing pulse. Or her heart for that matter. Despite the warmth of the gentle summer rays patiently pressing down on her back, despite the comforting presence of Smith mere feet away...

...she still jumped when the human woman rang the doorbell.

Once.

Twice.

Three times.

Seconds morphed into minutes, and just when she was certain minutes would become hours, she thought she finally heard the distant sound of muted footsteps. Thud. Thud. Thud. Someone was coming to the door! It took everything she had not to cringe and seek shelter behind Smith.

"That damned girl better make me a whole after all this paperwork." the agent muttered suddenly, her eyes dark behind the shade of her glasses. "No, not a whole pot-make it _three!"_

 _What?_

Miia blinked, baffled by this.

And the handle turned.

 _"Eeep!"_

That did it!

Her heart was about to leap out of her chest and into her throat!

It pounded in her ears like the drums of a great hunt out for blood, deafening her. No no no no! The coils of her tail tightened reflexively, bunching up in distress. NO! She wasn't ready! She was a fool for thinking she'd ever _be_ ready! Stupid, stupid, stupid! She'd been naive to even believe that this would work! Terror gripped her heart in a vice, squeezing. _Back in the car!_ he mind bleated! Yes! That was what she would do, she would get back in the-

 _"Hello!"_

Too late.

The door swung open, revealing...

...what.

The grey skinned woman behind looked bemused, if slightly bedraggled.

Huffing, she managed a bright, grin, regardless.

For Miia, time slowed to a crawl.

She looked almost completely human, if one would only ignore the intermittent scales and the tail. Wait. Scales? _Tail?!_ Miia's head spun so fast she was almost certain it was going to fall right off of her shoulders. She hadn't been expecting this! The woman gazed at her for a long moment, as though appraising her. Then, abruptly, she smiled. Bright amber eyes locked onto her, and when she smiled, the lamia thought she caught a glimpse of fangs among human teeth.

"You're late, Indy!" Smith snapped.

"Ah, Smith!" when the stranger finally spoke her voice was like the sweetest of honey, roiling through smoke. "Glad you could make it! Sorry about the wait. And...you must be Miia-chan! Come in, come in!" She bowed gracefully and stepped aside for her, allowing the lamia to slither past, Smith close behind. All the while, Miia couldn't bring herself to stop looking at the woman. What was she? She'd never seen a monster girl like her before...what kind of creature was she?

"I really should apologize for being late," the woman was saying as she brewed a fresh pot of coffee. "We were...ah...distracted."

Smith arched an eyebrow, but said nothing more.

"Three sugar," she said.

Indy laughed.

"Hai!"

Dimly, Miia was aware that the inside of the house was even larger than without. That is to say that it was quite large once you made it out of the initial hall; the sort that might be made for a family, or throwing lavishly large parties. But it was so cold! Her coils reflexively loosened now that they were no longer confined to such a constricted space, but shivered all the same beneath the air conditioning. Comfortable, but chilly. Indy was part reptile, right? How did she stand it?

Ushering them deeper into the house, the woman-monster?-approached a pair stairs leading up into the foyer.

"Naruto!" she called! "Get down here!"

"Alright, alright!" A muffled voice answered, accompanied by light footfalls, "Sheesh, first she says go up, now its come back down...

By contrast to Indy, the young man looked almost normal, with his bright blue eyes and yellow hair. Whiskers-were those real?!-tripled either cheek, broadening now in a bright grin as he saw her. He looked even _more_ ruffled than Indy she thought, with a seemingly perpetual bedhead and a lopsided expression that bordered on perpetual happiness. There was no fear in those teal-colored orbs as they beheld her. Only curiosity, and a bit of...glee?

Was he genuinely _happy_ to see her?

Her, a perfect stranger, one who looked nothing like him?

The thought nearly floored Mia.

"Yo!" he greeted with a cheery wave, clearing the last of the steps in a single bound. "Nice ta meetcha." In what seemed like a blue to even her eyes, he swept forward and took her hand in his, gripping it gently. "Like my girl said, sorry for makin' ya wait. Name's Naruto." Warm! She realized this as he held her palm. The lightest of flushes rose to her cheeks. Maybe...maybe he wouldn't be so bad, after all? She almost dared to hope, but she was still so nervous...

...still, why did Naruto-san already have a monster girl with him?

By the time she thought to ask this, Smith was already pawning the paperwork off on Indy. Cup of coffee in hand, she looked a far cry from her sullen self of a few minutes ago-watching contentedly as the hybrid signed form with speed and diligence.

"Alright, sign here, here, and here...you know the drill. I'll be back to check in on you in the morning, Miia."

"But, I-ah...

WHAM!

The door slammed shut with a resounding whack, and just like that, she was alone. Alone with two perfect strangers, one like her, the other...not so much. Silence draped itself over the room like a wet blanket, cloying and thick. As if spurred by that thought, her body shivered, protesting the cold once more. Too cold. She wished it were warmer, but how to tell them? Despite their good intentions, tension seemed to hang between the three of them, an insurmountable barrier that none could pass; and all the while Miia continued to grow colder.

She felt her eyes begin to droop slightly...

"Ah! I totally forgot about this!" A sudden exclamation caused the lamia to start, those dropping lids now snapping wide open as Naruto bolted upright. "Be right back!" In the time that it took her to wonder what he was doing, he'd already returned, arms laden with heavy blankets. Eyes flashing, he darted over to her! The sudden burst of speed caused the redhead to start.

"Wait, wha-aaaaaaaah." her cry turned into a pleasant sigh as Naruto expertly draped the first blanket around her shoulders. Turning her head, she watched Indy snatch up another-gently laying it across the base of her tail as the blond repeated his action. Within a matter of moments they had her covered from tail to tip, banishing the chill from her body as though it had never been. Her hands fisted around the garments in disbelief, a small, confused smile plucking at her lips;

"How did you know...?" she balked.

"You don't like the cold, right?" Naruto grinned, backing away. "Indy's the same way. Can't _stand_ chilly places."

That got him a hiss from the grey-skinned girl.

"I feel like we're forgetting something else, though." Indy mused aloud as Miia bundled herself up in the blankets.

Naruto sighed.

"Who?"

"Diny."

"Oh. Right. We DID leave her behind, didn't we?"

"Who?" Miia blinked?

"Oh, her sister."

"Ha?"

Naruto and Indy shared a look.

"Eh, what's the worse that could happen?"

* * *

 _(Meanwhile...)_

* * *

 _Diny cackled madly as a world burned beneath her feet._

 _All would bow before her might!_

 _"MWAHAHAHAHA! YES! ONWARD MY MUFFIN MINIONS! TO HONOR AND GLORY! LET US DESTROY DEADPOOL AND HIS CHIMICANGAS!"_

 _"Nooooooo!" The masked man cried! "NOT THE CHIMICHANGAS! ANYTHING BUT THAT!"_

* * *

"Meh."

"Whaddya mean, meh?!"

Indy exhaled softly, folding her good arm across her bosom. "Just what I said." Flopping onto a nearby couch, the grey-skinned girl seemed to fold into onto herself, stretching happily against the cushions. Her tail gave a happy lash against the floor, the thick appendage hanging loosely on the floor. Utterly at ease, she cast the blond a sidelong look, considering his words.

"Right." she mused. "That. Meh, we'll set her straight when we get back."

"You sure?" Naruto cocked his head, considering. "What with Deadpool and all, she's bound to cause trouble...

"We. Are. On. Vacation." Indy repeated sternly. "We're not leaving, yet."

"Fine, fine." he relented, raising his hands in defeat. "I'll just have to fix everything when we get back...

"Aaaaaaand that's why I love you!" Indy purred, blowing him a wayward kiss, "So understanding!"

Miia felt she'd fully lost her grasp on reality, here.

Diny?

Deadpool?

 _What were they talking about?!_

"Sooo...Naruto-san...

"None of that!" her whiskered host corrected adamantly. "Just Naruto, will do. Did you want something?"

"Well...ah...I was wondering. Who is she?" Her bright eyes flicked to Indy's reclining form.

"Oh! This is Indy."

"Osu." the woman waved lazily.

"She isn't like me, is she?"

"Nope/Nope." both replied in unison.

"She isn't?"

"Eh, its complicated." the deity shrugged nonchalantly. "She's...special, I suppose you could say. She kinda grew up with me, so I've rubbed off on her a bit in more ways then one. From there, she's kinda come into her own. After she devoured that one god, even more so. Really, I don't know what to call her anymore-

WHAP.

Said hybrid promptly swatted him on the head with a pillow.

"You will call me as you have always called me." Indy demanded, lowering her hand.

Naruto sighed.

"I rest my case."

This flash of silver on her finger did not go unnoticed by Miia.

"Then that would make you his...?"

"His mate, yes."

Her smiled slipped, ever so slightly.

"I see...

"Ah." Indy blinked, correcting herself. "I don't mind a little infidelity, though."

Naruto made a squelching sound.

 _"Oi?!"_

Miia tilted her head in confusion.

"Um...what?"

Little did she know how true those words would come to be.

* * *

And so time passed.

Minutes flowed like wind, turn into hours. Hours morphed into days. Days spent with the strange pair known as Naruto and Indy. Miia soon came to realize that, despite all their flaws, they were good people. Perhaps a touch too silly sometimes, but still kind at heart. They saw to her every need without complaint, cared for her as though she truly were part of the family. It was a strange thing, living with a man who claimed to be the very sort of deity she didn't believe in.

But he was nice to her. He, a human in her eyes, showed her the kindness she'd never expected from his race.

In the end, she couldn't have asked for more.

Days eventually became weeks...

...which is how we find our favorite blond in this present predicament.

* * *

 _(About a Month Later...)_

* * *

Naruto woke slowly.

Wakefulness came back to him like a fitful child, stubborn and recalcitrant. He felt warm, warmth, but also tight as well. Constricted. As if a giant had reached down and squeezed him at some point during the night, the invisible vice around his body now tightened. This of course was of no genuine concern to the deity, considering he no longer required oxygen to breathe as a normal human being would. But still the idea of slowly being squeezed to pieces wasn't exactly an endearing idea, in any form...

Grunting, he opened his eyes to find the source.

Soft.

That was his first thought as he opened his mouth...

...and immediately realized received a faceful of breast.

Someone moaned over him, a soft, girlish cry of delighted ecstasy.

"Darling, not so rough...

Naruto couldn't help himself; laughter burst out of him in a short, sharp guffaw.

"Oi...Mia...!"

A sleepy groan answered.

"Five more minutes...no, I mean five more degrees...

"You said that last time." he muttered, phasing through her coils with a thought. Ah, the benefits of being a deity! Reality had no hold on him! Bereft of her personal heater however, the lamia was forced to reluctantly open her eyes. She still didn't right understand just how he was able to do that; he simply refused to explain it to her no matter how many time she asked. Meany. Her tongue flitted out in an annoyed pout as he settled beside her on the bed.

"Darling, no fair...

Naruto arched an eyebrow, bemused.

Maybe it was the morning. Maybe it had something to do with the way she was curled up against him, her bosom hanging open invitingly. Perhaps it was the sheer ardor shining in those bright, golden eyes. Truthfully, he didn't know what it was, but today, Miia seemed even more lovely than usual. She gazed up at him, and he gazed back, considering.

"Not fair, eh?"

His hands, though ghosted the slender curve of her hips, pulling her closer. Miia shuddered, the warmth of his body settling against hers like a furnace, warming her skin. Warm. Such sweet warmth; one that she never wanted to forget. Tentatively, she wrapped her arms around his neck, fearful that he might pull away again, just as he had everytime she'd snuck into his bed.

"Oh, I'm ever so sorry." he purred, leaning in. "However can I make it up to you...?"

She blinked.

"Well you could-

Whatever else she might've said found itself smothered as his mouth met hers in a deep, searing kiss. _My first kiss._ The thought nearly floored her, but he was still kissing her, and soon was it forgotten. Arms tightened around him, crushingly. His head angled to deepen the kiss, and she felt something snap deep inside her.

Mine.

It was a single solitary thought, a sense of primal possessiveness she didn't rightly understand. Whatever it was, it had her heart soaring right out of her chest and straight out of the atmosphere-no, stratosphere! His tongue probed gently, licking at her lip, asking for admittance, entry she gladly gave, yielding for him with a moan. Yes! Yes, yes, yes a THOUSAND times yes! This was what she wanted! What she always wanted! Her hands seemingly held a mind of their own, grabbing at his pants even as he pushed her down to the bed.

Miia's smiled turned shy.

"D-Darling...be gentle...!"

Darling.

When had she started calling him that? It seemed forever ago now, he thought. Just a slip of a the tongue at first, a term of endearment, than anything else. Then more. It made him wonder. Indy never called him that, in fact, she seemed to come and go as she pleased nowadays. When pressed, she only replied with a "you'll see" and little else. No, Indy wasn't here right now.

But Miia, Miia _was here_ and he was so _lonely..._

Distantly, Smith's warning echoed in his mind but he snarled at it until it retreated, cowering in a corner. He was a god, after all. He _lived_ to bend and break rules such as these. No one had expected Miia to warm up to him as swiftly as she did. He didn't understand why, only that she had. How she had slithered her way into his heart, again, only that she had. As if to punctuate that very thought, her coils tightened around him within an instant, squeezing tight in anticipation.

Naruto twitched, offering a slightly painful smile.

"Kinda hard to do when you're squeezing me like _-gah!"_

Her tail locked around his waist and forced their bodies closer, him, inside.

Together, they whipped off the bed, ravaging one another like mindless animals.

Lamps crashed. Windows smashed. Ceilings and walls were shattered like so much glass. Miia didn't care. Naruto didn't care. They tumbled around the room in a wild tangle of arms and legs and mouths and sex, not caring what was in their way, taking advantage of any horizontal surface they could find. They explored every inch of each other that morning and then some; learning every nook, cranny, and nuance of one another that'd never been knowing, kissing, grasping, kneading, thrusting, until...until...UNTIL...!

Until the entire city of Tokyo heard one rapturous, climaxed word.

"DARLING!"

Alas, this sound was overidden by the harsh crash of the bedroom door splintering to a thousand pieces. Miia jerked upright with a start as she beheld the figure within.

Indy coughed harshly, standing in the doorframe.

"Ahem!"

Naruto swore

"Ah, balls...

Her reaction, however, floored them both.

"Got room for one more?"

Miia couldn't help herself, then.

Too much stimulation in one day-one morning-built up over the span of a few minutes. It all came to a head in an instant, building and rioting wildly in her chest. For a terrifying moment there had been tension, but now that tension was gone, replaced by something else, something she couldn't understand. In short...

 _She fainted._

 **A/N: WHAM! BAM! THIS FIC BE FUN, SILLY AND CRACKISH AS CAN BE! Acts of randomness and sexiness? Check. Crazy references and violence? Check! Mention of Deadpool? Check! Monster girls! CHEEEEEEEEEEEECK! And There we go! Naruto and Monster Musume! I left the ending deliberately ambiguous, considering that these two can raise all sorts of hell together. You think this is crazy? Check out the rest of the Not Going Home Series!**

 **So...in the immortal words of Atlas...And here it is! Two! The preview-portion?-of an amusing scene for you all! Story takes a hard right here with some amusing consequences...**

 **(Preview)**

 _Naruto sighed, twitching slightly as he gazed at the ground miles below._

 _"Papi."_

 _The harpy started in surprised, wondering how this stranger knew her name. She'd nabbed him on a whim, but he hadn't panicked at all; if anything, he seemed rather...bemused?_

 _"Hai?"_

 _"You have two seconds to get your claws out of my hair."_

 _"W-W-Wait a sec!"_

 _"Too late! TICKLE ATTACK OF DOOM!"_

 _"No, wait! Stop! If you do that we're gonna-_

 _Fall._

* * *

 _Miia was silent for what felt like a very long time._

 _Then she pounced!_

 _"Darling!"_

 _ **"OI?!"**_

 **...Review, Would You Kindly?**

 **R &R! =D**


	3. Harpy

**A/N: Long live the year of the request! I've been updating my major stuff as of late, but then I remembered this little fic and came back to it! Yes, this is meant to be silly, crackish and all sorts of amusing. Only a thin veneer of plot here for the purposes of the story. Why, you ask? Because, remember, Naruto and Indy are on VACATION in this particular fic. They're not about to nuke a world unless someone pissed them off...**

 **Don't you just love this whole request thing? Its very inspiring!**

 **Now...**

 **...this time for real! REMEMBER, this is crackish, silly, and filled with fluff. Its meant to make you smile and go "Aw!" nothing more, nothing less! Be sure and tell me what ya'll think! ALSO! VIVA LA FALL! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT! Helloooooooo COOLER WEATHER!**

 **I TEASE A LOT OF SILLY THINGS HERE!**

 _"Wings, eh?"_

 _"Huh. Neat."_

 _~?_

 **Harpy**

 _I regret nothing._

 _Yes I just engaged in a wild threesome without repercussions. I'm awesome like that. Do I regret anything? Why the hell would I?! Do you have any idea just how much sexual tension this world goes through in a single day? No? Fine, I'll tell you. A bloody LOT! When you've got dozens of buxom monster girls in a world like this and surprise, surprise, you're not allowed to do anything with them? What kind of bullshit law is that?! There are too many loopholes, oi! What if a monster commits a crime, hmm? Or if said monster gets attacked and can't hurt someone for fear of creating an inter-species incident?_

 _And if some punk kid tries to forces himself on a monster girl?_

 _Yeah, fuck that!_

 _I'd rather just toss the rules out the window and come what may._

 _Hmm._

 _Maybe I could hold a tournament like I did that one time with Cell back in Dragon Ball Z? Meh, on second thought, never mind. Its different when you've got super-powered strangers slugging it out for your amusement; but its something else entirely when you've got-relatively-innocent men and women throwing themselves at one another. A pity, really. Wait. It might be fun to create an arena and throw all the assholes of this world in it, just to see what happens. Now THAT would be worth poking Cell over again. Hmm. Might actually do that in this universe. Or the next one. Maybe both._

 _Why're you looking at me like that?_

 _What did you expect?_

 _This IS a vacation, after all._

 _Its meant to be fun!_

 _Yippee ki yay motherfucker!_

 _...why are you giving me that look?_

 _It not like anything **bad** could come out of this._

 _Seriously, I checked! This isn't School Days, or anything! Perfectly safe!_

 _I mean, its not like I'm going to wind up with a harem, or anything. That's the kind of thing that only happens in an anime._

 _...which I just happen to be in._

 _..._

 _..._

 _..._

 _...I'm royally fucked, aren't I?_

* * *

 _(...?...)_

* * *

"Oi, its been a few hours now."

"And?" Indy inquired calmly.

"Miia isn't waking up."

"Your point?"

Blue eyes shifted back to the house.

Rather, what was left of it after their last romp.

That was the problem with two primordial deities rutting under one roof; no matter how many barriers or precautions you set up, something would break. Burn. Spontaneously combust. It was simply an inevitability. It couldn't be avoided. You could reinforce the walls with _adamantium,_ lay the foundation in obsidian, even cast a silencing spell for good measure.

It just wasn't going to work.

"I think you may have broken her." A blink. "And most of the house."

"Nonsense, husband." Indy sniffed aloud, lightly smacking him with her tail as she returned to folding her laundry. "I merely extended my generosity and her mortal mind proved unable to handle it." a flick of her finger and their ravaged home restored itself to its former glory. "Besides," she remarked, "One cannot break what is already broken."

"Okay, I'll bite. How is she broken?"

"Because she loves you." his fellow deity replied primly. "I thought that much was obvious."

"That implies that you're broken, too, ya know."

"Naruto, you made me a _Goddess."_ amber eyes lazily slid to meet his, dancing with suppressed mirth. "I can be whatever-whomever-I want to be." As if sensing the argument brewing within, she cocked her head. "Did you not once say 'tis better to be broken than to walk the same path all your life? Sanity's no fun, you know that. Therefore, if you're broken, it takes someone just as broken to love you. Do you not understand? Miia is not what I would call sane by any measure, considering she's known you less than a year and already wishes to bear your children. Yet you still care for her."

Naruto opened his mouth to refute that. Paused.

Frowned.

 _Sighed._

He _had_ said something to that effect, once.

"Well, guess we know who wears the pants in this relationship...

"Ara, what was that?"

"Nope, nothing."

Naruto chuckled quietly as he returned to hanging their freshly washed sheets on the clothesline to dry. It felt refreshingly simple to do something with his own two hands for once. Even something so mundane as this. Ordinarily, he would've delegated such a menial task to a clone or ended it with little more than a thought. But this was a _vacation_ and he was supposed to be avoiding the more audacious uses of his abilities. Besides, there was a certain charm in making your own food, folding your own laundry, sleeping in your own bed...

Even banging the daylights of out a lamia.

Okay, he'd _really_ enjoyed that.

As a matter of fact...

Indy gave him a small laugh, sensing his arousal. "Oh, no. No, no, no. None of that. I just fixed the house."

"Hey, its not my fault," he cried! "I have a thing for women who know what they want...

"Do I have to call Xanna again?" a phone flicked open." I have her on speed dial. She's only a universe away.

Naruto bit back a whimper, cringing as if he'd been struck.

"Why are you friends with that horrible, horrible woman?!"

"Because she's one of the few people who knows how to knock you down a peg or two." His wife deadpanned, finger hovering over the send button. "That, and she's kickass. Why wouldn't I be friends with her?"

"She ground my balls to paste!" the blond wailed!

"You're alive, aren't you?"

"Aaargh!"

Relinquishing the argument and realizing the cause was lost, the orange-wearing deity threw his arms up and admitted defeat. But not before twisting the knife. Giving his wife his most piteous look, he tented his fingers and looked away, summoning a small cloud over his head.

"Precious is so mean to us...

"Says the pervert."

"Lies and slander!"

Indy twitched.

"Don't say it!"

"Imma say it!"

"DON'T YOU SAY IT!"

"I am no mere pervert!" Naruto declared loudly, striking a pose that would've made the gallant Jiraiya-god bless his pervy soul-weep with joy. "I am a pervert among perverts! Scourge to ladies across the multiverse! I laugh at the laws of casualty and reality!"

"Aaaaaand here it comes...

"I AM A SUPER PEEEEEEAAAAAAAARGH!"

Then someone swooped in and snatched him up.

Indy couldn't help herself; the time was impeccable, she couldn't have asked for a better opportunity for someone to swoop in and dive bomb her husband. Snatched up by the hair, the towering blond had only a mere moment to squawk in surprise and then he was gone, a distant blue speck in the horizon as Indy looked on.

The goddess blinked.

Once.

Twice.

Three times.

Then she snorted.

Laughter bubbled up in the goddess and despite herself, she gave in. In short order she was rolling on the ground, clutching at her sides, giggling madly, loudly, very unlike a lady. She couldn't help herself! The look on his face! IT WAS PRICELESS!

Mia, having only just recovered, unfortunately chose that moment to make her appearance.

"Muwah..." she yawned quietly, stretching. "I heard a shout. Where's Darling?"

"Oh, don't worry. He's just been kidnapped. It happens with him.

The lamia was silent for what felt like a very long time.

Then she took off after them!

"Darling!"

Indy sighed.

Paused.

Picked up a blue feather.

"Nope. I'm not even going to but in, here."

* * *

 _(...?...)_

* * *

 _...what the hell is going on here?"_

Naruto's first realization that he wasn't on the ground anymore came in the form of the wind in his face. The second had something to do with the powerful, clawed feet presently latched onto his skull. And the _third_ as well as final fact came in that he was presently staring up at a rather scaled pair of legs ending in a distinctly female form. Add to that the the blue wings carrying them aloft and it didn't take long for his mind to paint a picture of what was happening. It did precious little to put him at ease, however.

 _'What kind of event is this, oi?!'_

Naruto sighed, twitching slightly as he gazed at the ground miles below, held aloft only by the strong legs of a certain harpy.

Of course, _that_ contact went both ways.

As a deity he had access to all manner of supernatural abilities. Mind-reading was something he'd harnessed long before his ascension to godhood, and while it still required outright physical contact to work, that barrier had been stripped away by the claws currently clamping his scalp. It was a simple matter to subtly read the mind of his "kidnapper", less than, to realize that she wasn't a kidnapper at all. On the contrary, her mind was surprisingly simple, downright pure, even. A complete and hopeless birdbrain she might be, but he'd taken on worse cases and lived to tell the tale.

 _'Not trying to build a harem, not trying to build a harem, NOT TRYING TO BUILD A HAREM!'_

Ah, hell.

 _Damn but_ already decided he was going to keep her between the fifth and sixth beat of her wings.

"Oi, Papi."

Papi started in surprised, wondering how this stranger knew her name, She'd nabbed him entirely on a whim, but he hadn't panicked at all; if anything, he seemed rather...bemused? If his wan smile was any indication. Still, how did he know her name...

...and why was he grinning?

"Hai?"

"You have two seconds to get your claws out of my hair." blue eyes twinkled up at her, "Or face the consequences."

Uh-oh.

She didn't know him...

...but she _knew_ that look!

"W-W-Wait a sec!"

"Too late! TICKLE ATTACK OF DOOM!"

One might not think a harpy could squeak but Papi did just that; arms seizing up as wriggling fingers shot up and attacked her stomach with relentless ferocity. Laughter bubbled out of her and she flailed madly to keep her altitude, to no avail. The more she fought to stay aloft, the harder he tickled her, the louder she laughed. Really, there was only one outcome here. Papi just hadn't realized it, yet.

"No, wait! Stop! If you do that we're gonna-

Fall.

With that, her wings folded sharply and they dropped like a sinking stone.

While it would've taken little more than a simple application of his will to keep them aloft he ceded to gravity anyway; it wasn't as though Papi was in any danger from falling with those wings of hers, and he'd dropped from higher heights than this. Like that one time with Kaidou back in One Piece. By comparison, plummeting a few feet was nothing.

Alighting atop a tree, he reluctantly turned his gaze on the clueless girl responsible for snatching him the first place.

"Alright. Perhaps we should introduce ourselves?" he prodded. "Unless you want to drop me again."

"I'm Papi!" the bluenette replied cheerily. "Papi the Harpy!"

...I gathered as much. So? I'm guessing you don't have a host family?"

"Nuh-uh." she shook her head rapidly.

"And you snatched me because..?"

"I wanted to."

"Thought so. Look-

"What's that?" her gaze snapped past him, eyeing a nearby ice cream stand. "Is it food?"

"Well, yeah, I suppose it it sort of...

When he looked, she was gone.

Naruto groaned softly to himself.

...this cannot end well."

One embarrassing incident involving ice cream and a fountain bath later, and he found himself cursing the stupidity of mankind once again. Not Papi, though. Her cluelessness was downright adorable. It was, however, the inane stares of countless gawkers that did little to assuage the situation. Alright, maybe he had himself to blame for this. Seriously, who sucked on a popsicle as if it were a...? Nope! Nope, nope, nope! Not thinking about that! Not, not, not!

"Would you put some clothes on for crying out loud?!"

"But I can't take a bath if I have clothes on!"

 _...was I just backsassed by a birdbrain, oi?'_

"Look," he began slowly, scratching the back of his head, "You mentioned that you didn't have anywhere to stay, right?"

Her head bobbed slowly as she splashed in the water. "Yeah! The terminator lady said they were going to "incest" me if I ran away again." As he looked on she moved, giving him a rather choice view of her breasts, and that tight little-GAH! Down boy! Sit! Stay! Control your libido!

 _'Not trying to build a harem, not trying to build a harem, NOT TRYING TO BUILD A HAREM, HERE!'_

"Coordinator. And you mean deport." Naruto corrected, averting his eyes. "Remember?"

"But Papi doesn't want to be deported!"

...then you can stay with me, I guess." he sighed.

A stiff silence followed.

"Stay with you?"

"Well, yeah." Naruto coughed quietly, suddenly intensely aware of her attention. "I mean, when you think about it, this is all a misunderstanding." When all she did was blink, he continued, sighing. "Ugh, why does this have to be so troublesome?! Look, what I'm saying is, you shouldn't be shipped back home because of something you didn't understand at the time; that's just not fair. I'm not one to leave someone in a lurch, so if its alright with you, I could probably work something out with your coordinator...

"So you'd be Papi's master?" the harpy interjected.

Naruto blinked.

"Master? Hey, now...don't call me that. Sounds weird.

Her grin was pure sunshine.

"Gotcha, boss!"

"Okay, I _like_ that."

Naruto actually felt himself smile-

 _"Whoa, what is that?!"_

 _And then a pair of annoying little shits had to go and ruin everything_

A scruffy looking man was the one who had spoken, a ruffian if he ever saw one. The obscenely tan woman hanging on his arm didn't help his image. At all. Even then he might've simply ignored them and moved on, if the ugly woman hadn't chosen that moment to open her stinking mouth.

"Did you hear that?" she giggled darkly. "She called him Master! Ha!"

Papi stiffened in Naruto's peripherals, feathers bristling.

"She's so gross!" the man agreed, snickering.

"Maybe she wants him to f_k her!"

Now she was outright bristling.

"Does she even have a-

Well, that settled it.

"Oi."

Naruto frowned and kicked off the ground, propelling himself forward at a ludicrous speed. The only sign of his passage came in the form of a vicious gale, upturning skirts everywhere. At any other time he might have paused to glance at them, but at the moment he was far too focused on turning the idiot in front of him to paste. Say what you would about some of his more 'egocentric' habits but he did not, under any circumstance tolerate it when someone badmouths his girls. Especially when said someone was an absolute jackass and said girl was on the verge of tears.

With a burst of sound he skidded to a halt in front of the entitled little twats.

A simple thought redirected his momentum to either sides of the man; blasting away the fountain and most of the landscape yet leaving his victims relatively untouched.

It also shattered their resolve like so glass.

 _"Heeeee~eeeey..._

There it was, that dawning, horrified realization as the man and woman finally understood just what-who-they'd pissed off. They'd woken the dragon. Disturbed the sleeping giant. The woman was probably wishing she could take his words back right about now, but something in her quailed as the blond leaned forward, eyes flashing. Looming over them, his face hidden in the shadow of bristling blond bangs, they deity slowly grinned and they caught sight of sharp white fangs flashing in the light, lips crooked back in a slight smile. It was decidedly menacing, all things considered.

"Tell me," he leered down at them, "How _do_ you like your meat? Raw? Or _...tenderized."_

The poor man nearly shat himself.

"W-What if I'm a vegetarian?"

The blond grinned.

It was all teeth.

 _"Too bad."_

 **A/N: WHAM! BAM! THIS FIC BE FUN, SILLY AND CRACKISH AS CAN BE! Acts of randomness and sexiness? Check. Crazy references and violence? Check! Mention of Deadpool? Check! Monster girls! CHEEEEEEEEEEEECK! And There we go! Naruto and Monster Musume! I left the ending deliberately ambiguous, considering that these two can raise all sorts of hell together. You think this is crazy? Check out the rest of the Not Going Home Series!**

 **So...in the immortal words of Atlas...And here it is! Two! The preview-portion?-of an amusing scene for you all! Story takes a hard right here with some amusing consequences...**

 **(Preview)**

 _Poke._

 _Cell twitched._

 _"Go. Away."_

 _"Awww, don't be like that! I just want to play a game!"_

 _"A game?!" Rounding on him, the bio-android fixed the eternal deity with a fierce glower. "The last time we played one of your so-called "games" I was, and I quote, turned into a woman, blasted into a thousand pieces and sent straight to hell BY A TEENAGE BOY! Need I remind you that I'm still stuck here?! AS A WOMAN?!"_

 _The horned god blinked._

 _"Well, when you put it like that, I kinda sound like a dick."_

 _"You are!" she shrieked!_

 _"Hey, it wasn't that bad. And I TOLD you not to piss Gohan off..._

 _"I disagree! Why should I be interested in your inane plot?!"_

 _"Because ya get to play with the mortals again."_

 _The Epitome of Perfection paused._

 _Blinked._

 _Smiled._

 _...I'm listening."_

 **...Review, Would You Kindly?**

 **R &R! =D**


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